A Theory about Marriage and Orientation

Hey, all! Here is my theory about orientation, religion, and marriage. I don't intend to offend anyone; this is a sensitive subject, and I know that the patterns I've seen may not hold true for everyone. I just want to share the pattern I've seen so far and ask for the insights of others. So you know, I'm an active Mormon. I'm feminine enough that I often relate better to women than men, but I've always identified as a man, and I've always been attracted to women.

First of all, I think an important step to integrating Mormonism with same-sex orientation is to separate action from attraction. Elder Dallin H. Oaks has discussed this at length, and Josh Weed explained that this was one reason he could be happy in a heterosexual marriage: he's physically attracted to men, but he sacrificed a sex life based on physical attraction so he could be married to his female best friend, who he has an excellent relationship with. Many people seem to be able to make their sexual orientation a less important part of their identity.

Based on Josh Weed's blog post and other stories I've read, as well as talking with several people, I think that emotional attraction is more important for a happy marriage than physical attraction. Physical attraction helps a lot, of course, but some people are able to make a relationship work with a primarily emotional connection. Nick Norman wrote, ""To enter into a relationship with a young woman, when I could never truly care for her as she needed, would be deceptive and wrong." On the other hand, Josh Weed bonded with his wife more deeply he had than with any man.

So, here's my theory: I think that, in spite of a physical, sexual orientation towards the same gender, some people have an "emotional orientation" or emotional bond with someone of the opposite gender that makes a heterosexual, LDS marriage possible. Obviously, it would be a sacrifice, and I don't think everyone has the opposite-sex emotional connection for it. I just think that sexual and emotional attraction are not the same thing.

Thoughts? 

Proper Time and Place

Well, I'm planning to propose to my girlfriend tomorrow, less than three months after our first date. So, I wanted to ramble for a bit about decision-making and time. Making choices too quickly can lead to all sorts of problems. There may be unforeseen consequences. There are more likely to be mistakes. Making choices too slowly also leads to all sorts of problems. It hurts those who are waiting for you to decide. If you delay too long, the choice usually defaults to the worse of the two options.

So, like in all things, decision making requires a balanced amount of time. It requires that one do their best to consider all the implications. It requires that one enjoy life and not worry too much. Faith in God helps tremendously, knowing that He is anxious and willing to make up for our weaknesses, especially in the long run. He will make everything right in the end. However, he is also ready to bless us in the short run, if we ask for it and are believing. We must believe that God is completely capable of giving us the blessing now, and we must desire to put His will first. If we are truly humble and believing--not letting doubts drown out the possibility of divine intervention, but also preparing for all possibilities--then we will be at peace with ourselves and with God.

Another aspect of decision making is listening to advice. Obviously, asking for advice from friends and family will almost always produce a large variety of responses. In my case, for instance, you ask your friends when you should marry, and they think short-term happiness. Why wait? That just produces more stress, they say. You ask your family, and they remind you of the financial implications. Having seen marriages struggle and fall, they urge you to give it more time, to be sure it is what you want. Then you ask your Bishop, and he tells you to get married as soon as possible to more easily keep yourselves clean. You read the words of the prophets, and they say to be wise and have faith that God will provide what you need if you do your best, and even recommend, in general, not delaying marriage or children for financial reasons, since in struggling together you can choose to grow together. That too can be a great blessing.

My decision was to get married sooner rather than later. A great comfort is that in most situations, there is more than one good option. Either way will bring a lot of happiness. Which job? Pray about it. But the Lord may remain silent because both are good or because you already know enough to make the decision on your own. Good luck to my readers. Especially my unmarried ones. ;)

Civil Unions

A friend and I were talking, and I came to a new conclusion about the government definition of marriage. I've always felt that it wasn't really the government's place to define marriage, but that it seems to have to define it out of necessity.

Here's a potential problem: If homosexual marriage is officially recognized, then ministers--who act as agents of both religion and government when they officially marry two people--will be forced to recognize homosexual marriage. This violates their freedom of religion. It also means that public school teachers will be forced to recognize homosexual marriage and heterosexual marriage equally. This essentially means that a certain religious view will be being taught in schools that children are legally required to attend unless they can afford a private school. Again, this violates their freedom of religion.

So, here's a possible solution: Take away all official government recognition of marriage. Set up a civil union system designed for people who are living together and uniting their finances on a long-term basis. The government will completely ignore marriage as a social and religious institution, and only pay attention to the legal contract of a civil union. Then, churches, institutions, and individuals will be free to call marriage whatever they like. Churches won't be required to recognize a homosexual couple as married, and homosexual couples won't be required to consider themselves unmarried. Everyone has the freedom to believe as they choose.

Based on what I know so far, I think that this is the best possible legal system.

Mawwaige. And wuv. Twue wuv!

Well, I want to briefly write my thought on marriage.

Firstly, I have had ample opportunity to prepare for marriage in a variety of ways. First, I've developed my living-with-people skills by being kind and learning to work with my family, especially my mother. I believe that the way a young man treats his mother will largely transfer into how he treats his wife. The same skills of respect for womanhood, love, and service are essential. He can learn these skills later on, but it's so much easier to learn them now. Whenever now happens to be. Choices are always made in the present. There is no use procrastinating. Change comes gradually, but it can begin immediately.

Second, I notice that no man or woman alive, including myself, comprehends the potential glory of the marriage relationship. As we begin to look forward and see what a tremendous blessing that central family relationship can be, nurturing that relationship becomes natural and instinctive. Elder L. Tom Perry of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said, "I believe that if we could create in our minds a clear and true picture of eternal life, we would start behaving differently. We would not need to be prodded to do the many things involved with enduring to the end, like doing our home teaching or visiting teaching, attending our meetings, going to the temple, living moral lives, saying our prayers, or reading the scriptures. We would want to do all these things and more because we realize they will prepare us to go somewhere we yearn to go" (“The Gospel of Jesus Christ,” Ensign, May 2008, 44–46). The choices that have the most importance are the ones with the most long-lasting consequences. Marriage has eternal consequences of unfathomable depth.

Third, I love my wife. It is possible to love someone even before you know who they are. How? Because we can know something about them before we meet them. After I received my patriarchal blessing, I had an actual crush on my future wife for several days. Why? Because my patriarchal blessing contains information about her--enough to create a picture in my mind of who and what she is. She is a noble woman indeed, and I love her and want to prepare myself for her love.

Let us be grateful for God's mercy in making marriage such an ennobling, eternal, and glorious relationship.

Love Can Last Forever

When I was in AP Psychology, I was taught that being "in love" lasts only for about a year, or two at the most. To my delight, a team of scientists recently found out otherwise.

"Using brain scans, researchers at Stony Brook University in New York have discovered a small number of couples respond with as much passion after 20 years together as most people only do during the early throes of romance, Britain's Sunday Times newspaper reported." This was based on brain scans of courting couples and more mature couples.

Anyway, it made me happy. I speculate that keeping romance alive depends on two things: first, a solid foundation of friendship, honesty, and trust, and second, keeping romance alive by flirting, dating, and enjoying being affectionate. Learn to express love in a way that your spouse understands.