Hey, all! Here is my theory about orientation, religion, and marriage. I don't intend to offend anyone; this is a sensitive subject, and I know that the patterns I've seen may not hold true for everyone. I just want to share the pattern I've seen so far and ask for the insights of others. So you know, I'm an active Mormon. I'm feminine enough that I often relate better to women than men, but I've always identified as a man, and I've always been attracted to women.
First of all, I think an important step to integrating Mormonism with same-sex orientation is to separate action from attraction. Elder Dallin H. Oaks has discussed this at length, and Josh Weed explained that this was one reason he could be happy in a heterosexual marriage: he's physically attracted to men, but he sacrificed a sex life based on physical attraction so he could be married to his female best friend, who he has an excellent relationship with. Many people seem to be able to make their sexual orientation a less important part of their identity.
Based on Josh Weed's blog post and other stories I've read, as well as talking with several people, I think that emotional attraction is more important for a happy marriage than physical attraction. Physical attraction helps a lot, of course, but some people are able to make a relationship work with a primarily emotional connection. Nick Norman wrote, ""To enter into a relationship with a young woman, when I could never truly care for her as she needed, would be deceptive and wrong." On the other hand, Josh Weed bonded with his wife more deeply he had than with any man.
So, here's my theory: I think that, in spite of a physical, sexual orientation towards the same gender, some people have an "emotional orientation" or emotional bond with someone of the opposite gender that makes a heterosexual, LDS marriage possible. Obviously, it would be a sacrifice, and I don't think everyone has the opposite-sex emotional connection for it. I just think that sexual and emotional attraction are not the same thing.
Thoughts?
Showing posts with label cognitive psychology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cognitive psychology. Show all posts
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Monday, January 5, 2009
Good, Better, Best
One of the major emotional problems of the world is perfectionism. So many people are excessively worried and stressed about their own weaknesses. According to the psychological book I've been reading (Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by Dr. David D. Burns, one of the leading psychologists in cognitive psychology, which is my favorite school of psychological thought), perfectionism is mostly caused by two types of illogical thoughts: all-or-nothing thinking and should statements.
One day, on my mission, I was having a really rough day. I felt angry at myself for not being perfect in certain areas, angry at the Lord for not making me perfect, and generally frustrated and discouraged. With a prayer in my heart for help, I pulled out the most recent General Conference Ensign. There I read Elder Oaks' talk, "Good, Better, Best" (Ensign, Nov 2007, 104–8). As I read, I suddenly realized that goodness is not an all-or-nothing thing. It comes by degrees! I wasn't a perfect missionary, but I was a good missionary, and I was sincerely striving to be better. Perfection does not--indeed, it cannot--come all at once. Sometimes we think that we are either perfect or the scum of the earth. Obviously, there's a lot of room for growth in between.
We use the word "should" all the time. We all have our own ideas about how the world "should" be. However, it is helpful to think carefully about exactly what we mean. One strategy is to use the word "if." For example, if I just say, "I should be doing better than this," I feel guilty, discouraged, and angry at myself. On the other hand, if I say, "if I work a little harder to serve, then I will be happier and have the Spirit more," then I will likely feel encouraged and want to try. It works the same way when you use the word on others--when you think, "He shouldn't have cut in front of me," you usually feel angry. So instead, think, "It would be nice if he hadn't cut in front of me." I've found by experience that talking back to your own illogical thoughts can be very helpful.
The credit for these ideas goes to Dr. David Burns from his book, and, more importantly, the credit belongs to that God who helped me understand these ideas and whose Spirit of truth taught them to Dr. Burns in the first place.
One day, on my mission, I was having a really rough day. I felt angry at myself for not being perfect in certain areas, angry at the Lord for not making me perfect, and generally frustrated and discouraged. With a prayer in my heart for help, I pulled out the most recent General Conference Ensign. There I read Elder Oaks' talk, "Good, Better, Best" (Ensign, Nov 2007, 104–8). As I read, I suddenly realized that goodness is not an all-or-nothing thing. It comes by degrees! I wasn't a perfect missionary, but I was a good missionary, and I was sincerely striving to be better. Perfection does not--indeed, it cannot--come all at once. Sometimes we think that we are either perfect or the scum of the earth. Obviously, there's a lot of room for growth in between.
We use the word "should" all the time. We all have our own ideas about how the world "should" be. However, it is helpful to think carefully about exactly what we mean. One strategy is to use the word "if." For example, if I just say, "I should be doing better than this," I feel guilty, discouraged, and angry at myself. On the other hand, if I say, "if I work a little harder to serve, then I will be happier and have the Spirit more," then I will likely feel encouraged and want to try. It works the same way when you use the word on others--when you think, "He shouldn't have cut in front of me," you usually feel angry. So instead, think, "It would be nice if he hadn't cut in front of me." I've found by experience that talking back to your own illogical thoughts can be very helpful.
The credit for these ideas goes to Dr. David Burns from his book, and, more importantly, the credit belongs to that God who helped me understand these ideas and whose Spirit of truth taught them to Dr. Burns in the first place.
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